Monday, December 25, 2006

Go Ahead, Envy Me, I'm Wrap's MVP

As it so often happens, this post is inspired by Michele. Check out this discussion on wrapping gifts, which I completely missed. The discussion is five days old, so, even if I commented, no one would read what I have to say.

Here's a foreigner's perspective for you - I see gift-wrapping as a shining example of the Great American Waste, second only to teaching preschool and kindergarten kids making crafts out of food. Every year, people buy yards and yards of good quality paper, wrap huge boxes in it and give them as gifts, only to have all the paper thrown in the garbage seconds after the gift is opened. And we wonder why the world sees us as spoiled rich brats?

It took me years to get on the wrapping bandwagon. I confess; I do it now, even when the gifts are for my own family. I do, however, use gift bags when I can. They at least can (and should, IMO) be reused. From what I've read at Michele's, this is considered a major faux pas. Oh well, as long as I help save at least some paper, I don't really care what anybody thinks.

I think we may want to cut out the middle man and, instead of spending our hard-earned cash on fancy wrapping paper and throwing it in the garbage the instant it's been used, we should just throw the cash in the garbage and save ourselves time and effort. Better yet, send the cash to me.

The Goldie has spoken at 12:17 PM

Saturday, December 23, 2006

ChinchillaBoy sez...

"Mom, where've you been?"

"I went to church, for confession."

"So what did you confess?"

(pause. I am silent.)

"Oh, I know - if you tell me, it won't come true!"


"Are you gonna post it Mom?"

Merry Christmas to all! And to all, a good night. I'm off to watch Netflix rentals with ChinchillaBoy.

The Goldie has spoken at 5:54 PM

Aw, Who Am I Kidding?

I honestly tried.

It's not working.

Think about it - when I'm in the office, I can only blog, read your guys' blogs, and comment on them during my lunch hour. I have about fifty blogs in my feed. Try reading 50 blogs and commenting on them in 60 minutes. Oh, and don't forget post something while you're at it.

And when I'm home? Hmm, two kids, a dog and a chinchilla. That pretty much accounts for all my free time.

Also, what will I write about anyway? I barely read the news, and I cannot blog about my kids anymore - they're not letting me. Well, unless it is related to Aspergers, in which case I'm not even asking LilProgrammer's permission. He just needs to get used to the fact that he's being a six-foot-tall guinea pig for the benefit of other kids with AS and their parents.

Oh, and another thing? No matter how hard I try, this is not my native language, and it shows. I have been doing this for two years. Most of the people that started at the same time I did already have book deals or are otherwise writing for a living. I am confident that I can produce really good stuff, but only if I am writing in Russian. But who the heck will buy it? It's in Russian. Plus, my blogfriend Holly has quit. The blogosphere just isn't the same without her.

With that said, I give up. Don't expect regular posts from this blogger. I will continue to post sporadic book reviews, Aspie digest releases and an occasional funny saying or two from one of my kids. I cannot tell you when it happens, but it'll definitely show in your feeds. I will try to read and comment on your guys' blogs from time to time. You're the best! Please stay in touch via email.

Also, for those of you that can read Russian, feel free to peruse my LiveJournal. It's mostly brief updates, but there are some stories thrown in here and there.

ChinchillaBoy just threw a funny saying at me, so I'll go ahead and post it here. Thanks, dude. Speaking of ChinchillaBoy, he's been quite the writer lately, and some of the essays he did at school are seriously good. His teacher is in awe. Maybe one day, he'll let me post some of his stuff, so stay tuned.

The Goldie has spoken at 5:39 PM

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


I have received a very generous offer to have my Russian stories published.
I need to pick a pen name for myself consisting of a first and last name. The first name has to be Goldie, otherwise I'll have to edit every one of my stories and change each occurrence of the name. The last name I'm having trouble with. What do you think sounds better:

1) Goldie Sparkini;
2) Golda Sparker;
3) other?

The Goldie has spoken at 9:19 AM

Monday, December 11, 2006

Deep Thoughts Of The Day

1. People who install an electric fence, then leave their dogs out in the front yard all day, should be locked in a cell with surround sound and forced to listen to their pets' barking played at top volume.

2. People who let their toddlers run unsupervised in a wholesale store should be taken out and rammed repeatedly with full carts ten times their size.

3. Dear Premier Bank, I understand your burning need to send me spam, but at least do me a favor and don't call me Joe. Have some respect and be sure to address me properly as Joseph.

The Goldie has spoken at 5:35 AM

Thursday, December 07, 2006

ESL 101

It took me a year to figure it out, but today I finally did.

Whenever a weather forecast says "a few flurries", what it really means is "total whiteout".

Weather people seem to use sarcasm a lot when it comes to snow. Maybe they feel bitter and disillusioned because everybody blames bad weather on them.

The Goldie has spoken at 8:42 AM

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Six Weird Things About Me

Nancy has tagged me with a meme. Since Holley tagged me with the same meme six months ago and I still haven't done it, I figured it's about time.

So here are six weird things about me.

1) I have a weird husband. He's weird because he doesn't have a blog.
2) I have a weird older son, LilProgrammer. He is weird because he sleeps at his desk, takes walks on the freeway, and his idea of a workout is lifting our dog.
3) I have a weird younger son ChinchillaBoy. ChinchillaBoy is weird because he reads this blog. And this is all I can say about ChinchillaBoy, otherwise he'll make me delete this whole post.
4) I have weird parents. My Dad forwards pictures of naked boobies to my work address, and my Mom sings to our dog.
5) I have a weird chinchilla. He has humped every single member of our family, plus a few inanimate objects. He hates the dog, yet he humped him anyway.
6) I have a weird dog. He never barks when he has to go out. He'll just stand by the door and stare at you with his huge sad eyes, until you get the message. Then the next day, he will bark his head off when you get home from work, because he suddenly decided you are a stranger trying to break in.

Guess I got out of this one easy, except that my family will hate me if they read it. I'll just write another memo then.

I don't like tagging people, so if you want to do it, just go right ahead.

The Goldie has spoken at 5:02 PM

Friday, December 01, 2006

The Incredible Inflatable

Finally, the Christmas spirit is starting to get to me. No, wait, correction - I still enjoy Christmas. It's Xmas I cannot stand.

I freaking hate the cheesy music in supermarkets. I freaking hate the corny decorations. I freaking hate the crowds.

I used to like that stuff. When did I turn into a Grinch?

There is one type of decorations, though, that still doesn't fail to amuse me, and that's the inflatables. I first started paying attention to them after Muzikdude told a story about how, when the weather was warm, everybody on his street put the inflatables up; then it turned cold and, true to the laws of physics, they shrunk and kind of folded, looking exactly like they had dropped dead. As I drove the kids to school, I looked around the street, and, what do you know, Muzikdude was right! It was a chilly day, and everybody's front yards were full of dead Santas, reindeer, snowmen and other adorable Christmas characters.

It was the closest thing to drive-by shooting our neighborhood could ever get.

Just when I thought that my level of inflatable-induced amusement had reached its all-time high, something new came out. I was driving down the street when it caught my eye. Finally, I thought, somebody got the right idea about decorating for Christmas! This had been long overdue - an inflatable Mr. Hanky, popping out of a toilet!

However, as I pulled closer, I realized, that the figure I had taken for Mr. Hanky was, in fact, a penguin! I was still puzzled as to why a penguin would pop out of a toilet, but, thanks to Google, I now know that what I had thought to be a toilet is, in fact, an igloo!

As you can see, the Mr. Hanky/Penguin is sold out. Yes, it's that popular. Possibly because it is animated!

"Our ANIMATED Penguins," the catalog states, "take turns rising up to greet visitors."

Heck yeah... I bet they also say "Hi-de-ho!"

Xmas has struck a gold mine here. When the Woodland Critter Christmas inflatable comes out? I'm totally buying.

The Goldie has spoken at 5:04 PM

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