Sunday, February 20, 2011

Oh No, They Killed Doggy! You Bastards

This kills me. Every book I've read lately, to prove his deep, philosophical point, the author has to kill a dog. I've been reading Slaughterhouse Five today, great book, but then what does Vonnegut do? He kills, not one, but two dogs. Terrible.

The guy I dated last summer, gave me a copy of his favorite book. It's called A Straight Man, it's rated 4.5 on Amazon, and it's boring as hell. Feel free to skip the rest of this paragraph, as it contains spoilers. The book's characters all work in the English department of a low-rating university. Throughout the book, they all worry about the upcoming layoffs, which, in the end, do not happen. Also throughout the book, the main character cannot take a piss, which, by the end, he does. What a page-turner.

So what does the author do to kick the action up a notch? He kills a dog. A lovable, goofy, trusting canine. My favorite character in that whole book, by the way.

I swear to God, one day, I'll be a published writer and I will write a book where no dogs die. The hump, they frolick, they chew on random household objects, and they all manage to remain alive. Or else, what a novel idea, there won't be any dogs in the book, so, none will die. Because I'll be so famous by then, the book will come out, in spite of it violating an honored literary tradition. People will read it and they will be all like, Hey! How come no dogs are dead? What a letdown. I want my money back! And I will be all, Go fuck yourselves. And, while you're doing it, may a rabid dog bite each one of you where it hurts the most.

Seriously, at the rate fictional dogs are dying, they'll be an endangered species soon enough. There have to be better ways to make a point.

The Goldie has spoken at 5:30 PM

Monday, February 14, 2011

Random notes

In our writing class they say: "write about something you know, something that really happened to you". But none of this happened to me. It just occurred outside of myself somewhere as I watched, amused. So I shouldn't probably submit this story to my writing class.

It all started in a Thai restaurant. I was on a date. The place was on this street that's great for people-watching, if you get a table by the window. We got a table in a corner by some giant plant. So I sipped my white wine and stared at the plant, while my date looked at me.

"I find it extraordinary," he said, "the way, when you and I sit across the table like this, sparks fly!" And he poured himself another glass of white.

I looked around the room and thought about my dog Sparky. We did call him Sparks at home. What if he really could fly? He'd probably have this look on his face that is a mixture of extreme surprise, fear and excitement. Where would Sparky fly to? As he sits in our yard and stares at the sky, what places does he dream of? Where does he want to go?

"Love that smile on your face," said my date.

Which brought me to the matter at hand. Today, I wanted to tell him that it was over. It was not working at all. I'd been planning to do this for a while, but didn't know how to say it to him. He looked so happy right now, like a flying dog.

He poured himself another glass.

The Goldie has spoken at 7:30 PM

Sunday, February 06, 2011

More Romantic Poetry

Long story behind this one.

One time on a hike, I sat down and I heard,
A moth and a flower were having a word.
The moth said, "I'm not that attracted, you see,
You're just another blue flower to me.
I was flying through the woods, I was hungry and beat.
You looked like a good place to rest and to eat.
You know the red rose? That's where I'd rather be,
But she's too selective, she'll never have me.
So let's keep it simple, and let's keep it plain -
I eat here, I rest here, I eat here again.
It's easy and perfect, so why complicate?
Open up, by the way. It's about time I ate."

The flower just stood there, not making a sound.
A few of its petals fell down to the ground.
I got up and went back home to my family.
They're just some kids and a dog, but they care about me.

The Goldie has spoken at 6:15 PM

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Poetry: Winter

I wrote this in late 2009 when I was contemplating leaving Mr. Goldie.


He dims the lights, he spreads the snow,
He sets the thermostat to low
I shudder when he takes my hand
I dream of ocean, sun and sand.

How summer loved me once before!
But he's not coming anymore.
With winter now my days I spend
And, though they're short, they never end.

My winter tries to win my love
By darkening the skies above
He paves my yard with solid ice
But I avoid his grey, pale eyes

The snow is high, I cannot walk
The roads are bad, I cannot drive
With winter I will spend my days
Until I'm not alive.

The Goldie has spoken at 9:27 PM

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

I Cannot Believe This Thing Still Works

I stopped writing two years ago for a variety of reasons. Mostly, too many people IRL knew about this blog. When I realized I was getting three hits a day from Mr.Goldie's best friend's wife, I quit posting. Thing is, I had too much crap going on to share it freely with my real-life friends and colleagues.

I'm pretty anonymous now, as far as I can tell.

No one will probably read this, but so what.

I won't be moving to Wordpress, because I can't afford to pay for this thing. Ever since Mr. Goldie and I went our separate ways a year ago, I've been on a budget.

Being on a budget is not as bad as it sounds. That's how most of this country lives.

The kids and I lived in an apartment for a while. I liked it; they didn't. After I failed at getting my apartment management to allow Sparky to live with us, I bought a house. The downpayment ate all my savings, but it's totally worth it. My monthly payments are in fact the same amount as my rent used to be. It's a tiny, cheap house. It's perfect for our small family.

I have pretty colorful neighbors on my one side. The neighbors on my other side are selling. They got old and had to move in with their kids, as they cannot live on their own anymore.

A few more things happened over these two years. I left church; I went to the 2009 Mensa AG and loved it - will be going again this year; LilProgrammer is going to college this fall and is getting a shitload of merit awards! Full tuition and a small part of room and board. How bout that?

I took an online writing class and graduated with a recommendation for an advanced course. Still saving up for it. Nothing published yet, though.

I have very cool kids. I'm not going to be writing a whole lot about them, but they're pretty awesome.

I will post pictures if I ever find my flickr pasword.

The Goldie has spoken at 8:23 PM

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