Sunday, February 20, 2011

Oh No, They Killed Doggy! You Bastards

This kills me. Every book I've read lately, to prove his deep, philosophical point, the author has to kill a dog. I've been reading Slaughterhouse Five today, great book, but then what does Vonnegut do? He kills, not one, but two dogs. Terrible.

The guy I dated last summer, gave me a copy of his favorite book. It's called A Straight Man, it's rated 4.5 on Amazon, and it's boring as hell. Feel free to skip the rest of this paragraph, as it contains spoilers. The book's characters all work in the English department of a low-rating university. Throughout the book, they all worry about the upcoming layoffs, which, in the end, do not happen. Also throughout the book, the main character cannot take a piss, which, by the end, he does. What a page-turner.

So what does the author do to kick the action up a notch? He kills a dog. A lovable, goofy, trusting canine. My favorite character in that whole book, by the way.

I swear to God, one day, I'll be a published writer and I will write a book where no dogs die. The hump, they frolick, they chew on random household objects, and they all manage to remain alive. Or else, what a novel idea, there won't be any dogs in the book, so, none will die. Because I'll be so famous by then, the book will come out, in spite of it violating an honored literary tradition. People will read it and they will be all like, Hey! How come no dogs are dead? What a letdown. I want my money back! And I will be all, Go fuck yourselves. And, while you're doing it, may a rabid dog bite each one of you where it hurts the most.

Seriously, at the rate fictional dogs are dying, they'll be an endangered species soon enough. There have to be better ways to make a point.

The Goldie has spoken at 5:30 PM

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