Friday, October 27, 2006

I Hate Polyphasic Sleep

For the last few months, LilProgrammer has been into polyphasic sleep. This is basically when you sleep for only a couple of hours a day. Apparently the trick is to sleep for short intervals several times a day, and stick to a very strict sleeping schedule.

On his first try, during summer break, LilProgrammer slept for forty-five minutes every four hours. That had been a royal disaster. Everything I'd planned for him interfered with his new sleeping schedule. I'd bring him to doctor appointments and he would pass out in the middle of them, because his naptime had started. I told him that, if it continued after the start of school year, I'd strangle him with my bare hands. So he switched to a five-hour schedule - three hours from 3 till 6 AM, an hour right after school, and another hour around midnight. That worked well.

In fact, it worked so well that, last week, LilProgrammer decided it was time to move on to the three-hour schedule - two hours in the morning and thirty minutes twice in the evening. According to him, it takes the body two weeks to adjust. We are on Week One.

This is what has happened so far.

Last week, for the first time this year, LilProgrammer missed the bus.

His school starts at 7:30. He has to be there at 7:15. ChinchillaBoy's school is in a different building and starts at 8:00, and anyway, ChinchillaBoy had just gotten out of bed. So, I took LilProgrammer to school, came back, and took ChinchillaBoy to his school. I didn't like it one bit. There are 1,600 students in LilProgrammer's high school. Turns out, most of them drive. I have never seen such traffic.

On Wednesday, LilProgrammer got up on time. Got dressed. Got downstairs. Pulled his hood over his head. Sat in front of the door facing the street so he could see when the bus arrived. And promptly passed out.

Five minutes later, our dog Sparky woke up. He looked down the stairs, saw a tall, hooded figure, and had one of his guard dog moments. There was a lot of barking and swearing from me and Sparky ("How DARE you bark at him! He FEEDS you!!!" - "ARF-ARF-ARF-ARF-ARF!!!"). LilProgrammer didn't say anything. He was speechless, frozen in place, frightened of his own dog.

But wait, it gets better.

Yesterday, LilProgrammer woke to the alarm, turned on the lights, got back into bed, and passed out. I thought he was up because the lights were on. Long story short, he missed the darn bus again. Quick as a lightning, I let the dog out, let him back in when he was done, wiped his muddy paws, explained to ChinchillaBoy how to make his own breakfast, and was off. Back to my favorite high school, fighting traffic.

I get back home at 7:25 and ChinchillaBoy hasn’t started breakfast yet. Turns out the dog had asked to go out again, and after he came back in, his paws were, of course, all muddy again, this being late fall and all. Poor ChinchillaBoy spent all the time I was gone wiping the dog's paws clean.

I go upstairs to get dressed for work and run into more presents from the dog. Apparently, before he asked ChinchillaBoy to be let out, he'd already had an accident. Or two.

I clean up the dog crap in the hallway, feed the dog who's starving by now, and drive ChinchillaBoy to his school. We arrive late, so I take him to the office. This makes me come in late to work, which in turn means I'm going to have to stay late at work. The day has just started and already I am not a happy camper.

I freaking hate polyphasic sleep.

Luckily, I have thought of a solution. Next time LilProgrammer misses the bus, I will of course drive him to school like the good mother I am. But, in the meantime, I am going to lock the dog in his room. Sadly, I won't have any time to clean up after the dog afterwards. LilProgrammer can deal with the results when he comes back home.

I don't think he'll ever miss that bus again.

The Goldie has spoken at 7:46 AM

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