Saturday, May 12, 2007

Goldie in The Middle

The other day, I overheard my coworkers talking about how there are no wholesome, positive family shows on TV anymore - you know, like "The Cosby Show" or whatever its name was. All we see on the screen these days, coworkers complained, are dysfunctional families, moronic parents, and disrespectful kids that have no manners. To remedy this situation, I suggest a new show, based loosely on my own family. As you already know, our devotion to family values is exemplary. This being a family show, all swear words will be replaced by wholesome, positive language.

The pilot episode could take place in the Goldie family on a random Friday night. Goldie and her husband Mr. Goldie are eating dinner. A stocky preteen boy in a Shady T-shirt enters the room. This is their youngest son, ChinchillaBoy.

ChinchillaBoy: Mom, are we gonna get Cold Stone tonight? You promised.

Goldie: Sure, lemme finish dinner first. (To Mr. Goldie) You want us to bring you some Cold Stone?

Mr. Goldie: Nah.

Camera fades out and moves on to Goldie and ChinchillaBoy getting out of the car. They are in a plaza. It is dark outside.

Goldie: Wow, it sure did take me a while to finish dinner. I wonder if Cold Stone's still open.

ChinchillaBoy: All these teenage kids are eating ice cream, so I guess it is… Oh? What the fudge is that?

The camera is now showing Goldie and ChinchillaBoy inside the Cold Stone ice cream parlor. The place is inexplicably filled with a gaggle of giggly teenage girls. The line goes around the room and stretches to the door. A lone man is chaperoning the teen crowd.

Goldie, to man: Excuse me, is this a sports team or something?

Man, apologetically: Oh, they just came from watching a high school show.

Another fade-out. In the next scene, Goldie and ChinchillaBoy are at the front of the line. A few dozen people are in the line behind them. Two guys and two girls are serving the ice cream.

ChinchillaBoy: Wow, we've been here thirty minutes, can you believe that?! (To the guy serving ice cream) I'll have the white chocolate chips, and the oreos, and the almonds, and the Reese's.

Goldie, to same guy: French vanilla with raspberries for me. And can you give me a lid, please, cause I'm gonna be driving with this thing?

Guy finishes mixing ice cream, hands it to Goldie, and turns to get the lid. Goldie pays and drops some cash into the tip jar.

Guy, turning right back: We got a tip!

The camera is on the two guys and two girls behind the counter, as they start singing loudly:

Guys and girls:
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
Put a dollar in the jar…

The mortified Goldie sneaks out the door, ice cream in hand. ChinchillaBoy takes his ice cream container and follows. Camera follows the two out into the parking lot and to the car.

Goldie, opening the car door:
Oh, shiver me timbers! He didn't give me the lid!

ChinchillaBoy: He was going to; why'd you leave?

Goldie: They scared me off with their song.

ChinchillaBoy: Don't worry, Mom, I'll hold it for you.

Goldie: You really will? Oh, thank you, ChinchillaBoy. (Gets in the car.)

Fade out, and on to the next scene. We are in the car. Goldie is frantically driving. Next to her sits ChinchillaBoy with a full ice cream container in each hand. Ice cream is running down ChinchillaBoy's arms and his T-shirt. There is a puddle in his lap.

Fi, fo, fum! Can you go faster? I'm covered in ice cream here!

Goldie: I'm doing all I can, sheesh!

ChinchillaBoy: By the way, this is all your fault. Why didn't you wait for the lid?!

Goldie: I told you! They scared me!!

ChinchillaBoy: I'm never going with you again! (Licks his arms.)

All right, all right, we're home. (Pulls into the garage.) Give me that. (Takes the ice cream from ChinchillaBoy. His pants and T-shirt are completely covered in ice cream now. ChinchillaBoy is sitting, arms outstretched. Ice cream drips from the arms.)

ChinchillaBoy, angrily: Now what am I gonna do?!?!

Another fade-out. Next, we see Goldie and ChinchillaBoy sitting on the couch, watching TV. ChinchillaBoy has changed into clean clothes and is eating his ice cream. Mr. Goldie is standing in front of the TV, eating Goldie's ice cream. A tall and muscular teenager walks into the room, a kale leaf in one hand and a fish oil capsule in the other. This is the Goldies' older son LilProgrammer, who is right now in his health nut stage.

LilProgrammer: Oh, cheese and rice. Why are you guys eating ice cream?! Don't you know how much sugar it has? And why are you sitting on the couch?! Get up and exercise! You've got to work on your muscles!!

ChinchillaBoy, from the couch: Yes, LilProgrammer, you may have the six-pack, but I have the keg! (Pats his stomach proudly.)

Laugh track. Camera moves to the family dog, Sparky. Sparky is trying to lick the ice cream out of the empty container that Mr. Goldie has just given him. Sparky has his nose in the container and is pushing it all around the room. Roll the credits.

We can have George Clooney play Sparky again. All other roles are up for grabs. If you're a Hollywood producer and you are interested, call me.

The Goldie has spoken at 5:10 PM

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