Monday, March 06, 2006

Cooking With Goldie

I really enjoy cooking and I’m pretty good at it.

That said, over the past weekend I have managed to produce some very interesting dishes. I’d like to share two of them with you. Here are my recipes.

How to Make Bread… NOT!

1. In the breadmaker bowl, add all ingredients except dry yeast.
2. Open fridge, look for jar of dry yeast, wonder where it’s gone off to.
3. Find the jar in the far corner of the fridge, wonder how it got there. Add yeast, start the breadmaker.
4. Wait three and a half hours for the bread to bake.
5. After the three and a half hours have passed, call the entire family because the bread is finally done. Observe the hungry anticipation on their faces.
6. Open breadmaker, remove a tiny, shriveled loaf of bread. Wonder aloud how it turned out this way.
7. Open fridge. Discover that you have, in fact, two identical jars of dry yeast, except one of them expired in 2004.
8. Use profanities of your choice.
9. Toss expired yeast in the garbage.
10. Start over.

How to Make Eggplant Spread… NOT!

1. Decide to make eggplant spread, because, you know, it’s Lent and all.
2. Go to grocery store to buy everything for the spread.
3. Put four eggplants in the cart.
4. Add carrots, onions, red peppers, garlic to the cart.
5. Add four Cuban mild peppers to the cart.
6. Upon some thinking, add two Jalapeno peppers to the cart.
7. Upon some more thinking, add two Habanero peppers to the cart. Return home with the produce.
8. Boil the eggplants until soft and mushy.
9. Sautee carrots, red peppers and onions and add them to the eggplants.
10. Add salt and pepper to perfection.
11. Cut up the four mild Cubans, two Jalapenos and two Habaneros. Sautee them and add to the mix.
12. Proceed to cook to perfection. Admire your work. Try one teaspoon of your newly made spread.
13. Yelp in pain.
14. Call husband and ask him to check “if it’s not too spicy”.
15. Watch husband yelp in pain.
16. Put eggplant spread in a jar.
17. Draw skull and bones on the jar, along with a sign “VERY HOT!!!”
18. Promise to family that you will buy four more eggplants and try to save the spread, the first chance you get.
19. Warm up leftovers for dinner.

The Goldie has spoken at 8:06 PM

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