Thursday, September 29, 2005

Learning to Appreciate the Crappier Things in Life

We all get these chain letters by the dozen that tell us to be thankful for the little things – you know, the sun, the moon, your friends, your family, all the good stuff. But I have never seen a letter that would teach me how to take advantage of something that, on the surface, sounds like a real bummer. Let me give you a few examples.

I’ll start with the obvious. Summer’s over, and crappy weather is just around the corner. What if it rains all through the weekend? I found out that it is actually a good thing. I can surf the web and read your guys’ blogs all weekend long without feeling that I should really be outside with my family.

And speaking of my family, suddenly the kids are too cool to go anywhere with their old, boring Mom and Dad. Well guess what? This means that finally, after all these years, Mom and Dad can do whatever they darn please on their free time, without feeling like they’re taking away from The Quality Time with their kids. Because the kids have grown up and their idea of Quality Time is now either hanging out at their friend’s house, or AIM-ing back and forth with the said friend all day. But, most importantly, the very presence of parents in the vicinity automatically takes the Quality out of Quality Time. So you don’t want to go to the park with me, kids? Good for you. I’m off to the mall to get me some shoes! C-ya!

Or, in my case, there’s on-call support. I used to hate the weekends when I was on call, because, on these weekends, I couldn’t go anywhere. And then all of a sudden, I realized that I don’t want to go anywhere. Well, not all the time, but it’s nice to take a weekend off even the most exciting social life. I’ve done so much cleaning and cooking and read so many books during my on-call weekends, I am actually starting to enjoy them. (Just don’t tell my management, or else they’ll put me down for more).

So, as you can see, I already know how to make some of the crappy things work for me. I’d say, things of Low to Medium Crappiness.

I’m still working on the Really Crappy Things, though. Can’t figure out what to do with those.


Have you ever had a really screwed-up dream about your coworker and then you wouldn’t be able to see the person next morning without cracking up, when you’re really supposed to act all serious and professional towards them? I had this dream last night and a guy from my department was in it. He called me from somewhere to tell me that he had accidentally chopped his privates off, and could I please go into the room next door and pick them up from the floor and put them in the freezer, so he could have them reattached? So I went into the room, and there it was, a nice and long shlong, lying on the floor, so I picked it up and put it on a desk and went off in search of a refrigerator. Except while I was looking, somebody else came in, and you know how in every office, there are people that prefer sitting down on top of your desk instead of in a chair? So this person accidentally sat down on top of the d*ck and squashed it. So now I was all worried about whether it would still be possible to reattach the valuable, although damaged, body part. With that, I woke up and went to work.

It’s lunchtime here, and I’m still avoiding the guy. I’m just not sure whether I will be able to keep a straight face when I see him.


K9 is having girl trouble. He’s had a crush on a girl for a while, and yesterday he found out that his best friend also likes the same girl, and she likes him back. Believe it or not, he tried to break up with his best friend. Mr. Goldie read him a lecture about how real men never fight over women, because male friendship is a lot more important. Now K9 never wants to talk to us about his problems again. I don’t get it, because, I think Mr. Goldie is right! Chicks come and go, but male friendship is forever! Why, even Mr. Goldie himself had a lot of friends that used to like me, but they valued their friendship with Mr. Goldie more than their fleeting attraction to me, so they stopped pursuing me and remained his friends. And now, twenty years later, they still… oh, nevermind. Wrong example.

Tomorrow is Friday. Rejoice!

The Goldie has spoken at 1:15 PM

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