Monday, January 16, 2006

Weekend Chronicles

ChinchillaBoy and Intelligent Design

There’s never a dull moment in the Goldie household.

Last Friday, I was talking to ChinchillaBoy, and we disagreed about something, I think it was which ice cream is better, Snickers or cherry vanilla. I said cherry vanilla, and he started arguing with me. So I say to him, like any good mother would:

“Oh yeah? What do you know?”

To my amazement, ChinchillaBoy calmly replies,

“I know everything from the beginning of time.”

“What, since you created the heaven and earth?” – asks the sarcastic me.

“Yeah, everything from Adam and Eve. Oh, I remember when I put them on the Moon, I kept reminding myself: you need to put air on the Moon, you need to put air on the Moon, - but then I kept laying it off and laying it off ‘cause I was too lazy. I’d say to myself: there’s no air on the Moon, you’ve got to give them some air, - but then I’d forget, ‘cause I was too lazy admiring my own creation.”


At this point I’m hanging on to his every word, because, you know, I need to memorize it all for my blog post.

“Well, you know they ripped off that story in the Bible. What really happened, after the Bible story, I took Adam and Eve and I put them on the Moon, and they were all like, “I need air! I need air!” – and then they started flopping like fish. That was so funny! But then they stopped. They just lay there, and it was boring so I moved on to my other creations.”

“So what happened to Adam and Eve?”

“Oh, yeah. They died.”

The Flying Karma

On Saturday morning, ChinchillaBoy had a basketball game. It turned out to be a real nail-biter. The other team was strong and aggressive; plus, the ref kept giving them penalty shots for some reason. The two teams were more or less tied till the very last minute.

I got a seat in the front row and found myself next to, possibly, the two most loud, obnoxious, annoying basketball fans in the history of the game. They were a mom and an older sister of a player from the other team. The mom was actually fairly tolerable, but the sister, in her late teens, was out of this world. She could not keep her mouth shut for a minute. She kept hollering in my ear, and what she was hollering wasn’t nice. She yelled at her kid brother. She was giving orders to players from our team. She screamed at the ref.

She was giving me a major headache.

There are two girls on CB’s team this year. They are very good players, the best on the team most likely. Every time one of them would get the ball, the Big Sister would scream at their team to “get the ball from the little girl”. I was sitting next to her, thinking to myself, “Say something about my son and die”.

Finally, it’s the last minute of the game and we are leading by one point. Fifty seconds before the end, the other team scores and is now in the lead. The clock is ticking, our team gets incredibly nervous, and, one second before the buzzer, one of our kids makes a desperate attempt to take the game back by shooting the ball at full force all the way across the field.

By that time, Big Sister and her mom are on their feet, whooping and cheering because their team had just won.

The ball comes flying across the field at a crazy speed, missing the basket by a mile and heading straight for their faces. You know these moments when everything suddenly starts happening in slow motion? That was one of them. The ball moving in a perfect arc, coming precisely at Big Sis and Mom; the realization slowly showing on their faces; Big Sis and Mom ducking out of the way at the last instant.

Those were the best thirty seconds of my life. I really, truly enjoyed the show. It was well worth the one-hour wait.

In a few weeks, we are going to play this team again. I’m going to sit as far from Big Sis and Mom as it is physically possible without leaving the gym.

I mean, I can live with the yakking. But I don’t want to be anywhere around when that flying ball comes. It just isn’t safe.

What do you get when you combine a chinchilla and an altar?

You get ChinchillaBoy who is, also, an altar boy! Yay!! He had his workshop last Saturday, and yesterday was his first time in the altar. He’s loving it! He looks just like a little angel in his new golden robe.

Of course, we all know the truth.

The Goldie has spoken at 8:48 AM

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