Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Jumping On The Bandwagon – My Bad Dates

The good doctors are asking everybody to post about their bad dates. Sorry it took me a while – I was sick and that affected my long-term memory. Besides, I only dated for a couple years, and it was a while ago, so it wasn’t easy to remember the actual dates and determine which of them were bad.

Eventually, I have come up with, not just one, but three! Here are my top three winners:

Second runner-up – a drop-dead gorgeous, bohemian, popular guy I met on campus. On our second meeting, he took me to a locker room, where we both quickly undressed and were about to do the deed (I was young… it was the 80’s… long story). Anyway, in the last minute, for no good reason at all, I freaked out and told him that I was sorry, but I couldn’t go through with it. He got dressed and left in a huff. A few days later I found out that not only was the guy married, he also had an STD and was getting treatment for it.

First runner-up – not technically a date, because by then I was: a) engaged to Mr. Goldie, and b) a newly converted, born-again Christian. I met this guy (again, drop-dead gorgeous) on a bus on my way to church. We clicked instantly and talked for an hour. I told him I was getting married, and about the church I was going to (he said that was cool, he was a believer himself). There wasn’t anywhere to go in our small town, so, when people wanted to hang out, they visited each other. He visited me first, met my roommate, the three of us had a nice conversation together. Then I came over with a return visit. There were icons and crucifixes all over this guy’s room, hanging in every corner. We snacked on some grapes and wine, talked a bit, then the guy started coming on to me. Turned out, he had expected us to have sex that evening. When he realized it wasn’t going to happen, he got mad. The man actually told me, “You just came here to eat my food!” – yeah, I’m such a golddigger, aren’t I? Then he asked me, “If I put a loaded gun to your head, would you have sex with me or not?” I said, “Sure would – I want to live, you know!” Then he let me go – walked me home, actually. That was the end of our date.

And finally, drum roll, please… the winner!

Again, a drop-dead gorgeous guy (gee, is there a connection?) He looked something like Eminem, to tell you the truth. Way cool. I was 20, he was 18, we met in St-Petersburg, on the subway, and went out every day for about a week. For our last date, he took me to a movie theater close to where he lived (which was all the way across town from my place). By the time the movie was about to end, I realized that it was two in the morning; no public transportation was working anymore; none of us, of course, had cars; so, basically, I had no way of getting back home. I wanted to get a cab, but my guy said it wasn’t safe. Instead, he suggested that I spend the night at his apartment. I was, “no way”, but the guy said, “Relax, I live with my Mom, we only have one room, so nothing’s gonna happen”.

So, the movie ends. We walk over to his apartment. On the way, he tells me that his Mom is a single mother and he’s the only child. We ring the doorbell and Mom lets us in. We’re in the foyer and I notice that the wallpaper looks funny. But wait, this isn’t wallpaper. The wall is covered from the floor to the ceiling with black and white pictures of my guy at all ages of his life. I never saw anything like that before.

The three of us proceed to have tea and discuss the sleeping arrangements. Problem is, there are only two beds in the room. Mom wants my guy to sleep on the floor and me to take his bed. Guy goes all sensitive on his Mom and has a tantrum and refuses to sleep on the floor. I end up sharing a bed with the Mom. Yes, that’s right. I slept in the same bed with a woman, old enough to be my mother, that I never saw before in my life!

I had a horrible night’s sleep. All night, I had nightmares about rolling over The Mom and kicking her out of her own bed in my sleep. Next morning, The Mom kept on gushing about what a quiet sleeper I was, and how I had hardly moved all night. I couldn’t get out of that apartment fast enough. And that was the end of our relationship, although, I must say, The Mom approved of me and wanted me to keep seeing her son. Sorry, it was just too kinky for me!

So, here are my three horrible dates. Not bad, considering I only was on the market for a few years!

The Goldie has spoken at 10:41 AM

Technorati search

Powered by FeedBurner

Graphic Design by alla_v