The Weekend According to Goldie
1. Passed a car on the freeway with a bumper sticker that said:
“Don’t blame me, my vote didn’t count”.
Problem is, we’re in Ohio… we are, like, the new Florida… can you tell the sticker looked just a tiny bit out of place?
2. I took I12 to a new psychologist (for reasons I do not plan on posting here). When we came to the office, we were greeted by a skinny guy, in his mid- to late 20’s, about five feet tall (both I12 and I are 5’9”). We talked to him for an hour (he actually seems very good at what he does), but when we got into the car, the shallow part of me took over, and the following dialogue took place:
Me: Wow “I”, that guy was small!
I12: They call him “shrink” for a reason.
I was unable to drive for the next ten minutes.
Tamagotchi: The Circle of Life
When K9 got sick a month ago, I finally gave in to his pleas and bought him a tamagotchi (with his January’s allowance, of course). Tamagotchis are all the rage in K9’s school now. He named his “K”, after himself.
I’ve never seen a tamagotchi before. I’ve got to tell you, that thing is weird. It goes from baby to kid to teenager to adult to old person in one week, and then it dies. It connects to other tamagotchis and has babies. If it cannot find a partner, you can hire a matchmaker and the next day, a baby is born as a result. We think that tamagotchi sex is boring and uneventful, based on the fact that we haven’t been able to observe it. The babies just pop up on the screen, apropos of nothing.
Over the last month, K9 was able to raise five generations of tamagotchi, going from “K” Junior to “K” V. This all came to an abrupt end yesterday, when K9 went to a friend’s house for a sleepover, and, unbeknownst to me, left his tamagotchi behind. When I found the poor thing this morning, the screen was full of tamagotchi poop; the creature was extremely hungry; and it was extremely unhappy as well. Grabbing the manual, I tried to come to the rescue, but, even though I followed the instructions, nothing worked. The poop still dominated the scene, and the tamagotchi was still unhappy and starved. I put it into my purse, and headed for church with I12.
After the service, I went around the church looking for kids who could give me instructions. There were three boys in the office, playing on the computer.
Me: Hey, does any of you guys know how to take care of a tamagotchi?
Kids: Naw.
Me: (desperately) K9 is at a friend’s house, and this thing has pooped all over the screen, and also I gotta feed it, and I don’t know how. I think it’s going to die, I pressed all buttons and nothing works.
Kids: We don’t know either.
Me: (giving up) Alright, he killed it.
Kids: (laughing hysterically)
Sure enough, by the time I picked K9 up, the tamagotchi was long gone. Oh well, I tried.
Turns out, you can generate a new one if your old one dies. Which is exactly what K9 did. The new one is a girl. He named it after me. I don’t know if I should feel honored or not. All I know is, he better feed this one!
Keeping Attendance
Has anybody ever come up to you in church saying, “My, I haven’t seen you for a long time”? Talk about a charged statement! Somehow, I never know what to say to this one.
- Yeah, I’ve been partying hard lately. Kinda hard to get up early on Sunday after you’ve gone to bed at four in the morning. Not to mention the hangover. Do you think Chaser would help?
Or:
- As a matter of fact, I’ve had a 75% attendance this year, here are the records that can prove it, and here are the three witnesses that I’ve been having coffee with during the fellowship hour every Sunday for the last few months.
Or:
- I know, I’ve been wondering myself what happened to you. Have you been sick?
Or:
- Who the heck has made you attendance monitor? Why do you feel the need to ask people tactless questions? Has it ever occurred to you that the purpose of your being in church is not to check on other people’s attendance? Have you ever tried minding your own business?
Nope, I don’t say any of these things… I just give the person my best deer-in-the-headlights look. Any better ideas? Please feel free to share.
Update On the Tamagotchi
It's been two hours since I made this post, but I have to edit it.
I am a very bad mother.
I have just run the tamagotchi through the washing machine, as it was in the pocket of K9's jeans. Even though I used the gentle cycle, the darn thing is showing no signs of life whatsoever.
K9 is sleeping, and doesn't know it yet. I do not know what he will say when he wakes up. This may be my last post.
I'm gonna go make a will now.
“Don’t blame me, my vote didn’t count”.
Problem is, we’re in Ohio… we are, like, the new Florida… can you tell the sticker looked just a tiny bit out of place?
2. I took I12 to a new psychologist (for reasons I do not plan on posting here). When we came to the office, we were greeted by a skinny guy, in his mid- to late 20’s, about five feet tall (both I12 and I are 5’9”). We talked to him for an hour (he actually seems very good at what he does), but when we got into the car, the shallow part of me took over, and the following dialogue took place:
Me: Wow “I”, that guy was small!
I12: They call him “shrink” for a reason.
I was unable to drive for the next ten minutes.
Tamagotchi: The Circle of Life
When K9 got sick a month ago, I finally gave in to his pleas and bought him a tamagotchi (with his January’s allowance, of course). Tamagotchis are all the rage in K9’s school now. He named his “K”, after himself.
I’ve never seen a tamagotchi before. I’ve got to tell you, that thing is weird. It goes from baby to kid to teenager to adult to old person in one week, and then it dies. It connects to other tamagotchis and has babies. If it cannot find a partner, you can hire a matchmaker and the next day, a baby is born as a result. We think that tamagotchi sex is boring and uneventful, based on the fact that we haven’t been able to observe it. The babies just pop up on the screen, apropos of nothing.
Over the last month, K9 was able to raise five generations of tamagotchi, going from “K” Junior to “K” V. This all came to an abrupt end yesterday, when K9 went to a friend’s house for a sleepover, and, unbeknownst to me, left his tamagotchi behind. When I found the poor thing this morning, the screen was full of tamagotchi poop; the creature was extremely hungry; and it was extremely unhappy as well. Grabbing the manual, I tried to come to the rescue, but, even though I followed the instructions, nothing worked. The poop still dominated the scene, and the tamagotchi was still unhappy and starved. I put it into my purse, and headed for church with I12.
After the service, I went around the church looking for kids who could give me instructions. There were three boys in the office, playing on the computer.
Me: Hey, does any of you guys know how to take care of a tamagotchi?
Kids: Naw.
Me: (desperately) K9 is at a friend’s house, and this thing has pooped all over the screen, and also I gotta feed it, and I don’t know how. I think it’s going to die, I pressed all buttons and nothing works.
Kids: We don’t know either.
Me: (giving up) Alright, he killed it.
Kids: (laughing hysterically)
Sure enough, by the time I picked K9 up, the tamagotchi was long gone. Oh well, I tried.
Turns out, you can generate a new one if your old one dies. Which is exactly what K9 did. The new one is a girl. He named it after me. I don’t know if I should feel honored or not. All I know is, he better feed this one!
Keeping Attendance
Has anybody ever come up to you in church saying, “My, I haven’t seen you for a long time”? Talk about a charged statement! Somehow, I never know what to say to this one.
- Yeah, I’ve been partying hard lately. Kinda hard to get up early on Sunday after you’ve gone to bed at four in the morning. Not to mention the hangover. Do you think Chaser would help?
Or:
- As a matter of fact, I’ve had a 75% attendance this year, here are the records that can prove it, and here are the three witnesses that I’ve been having coffee with during the fellowship hour every Sunday for the last few months.
Or:
- I know, I’ve been wondering myself what happened to you. Have you been sick?
Or:
- Who the heck has made you attendance monitor? Why do you feel the need to ask people tactless questions? Has it ever occurred to you that the purpose of your being in church is not to check on other people’s attendance? Have you ever tried minding your own business?
Nope, I don’t say any of these things… I just give the person my best deer-in-the-headlights look. Any better ideas? Please feel free to share.
Update On the Tamagotchi
It's been two hours since I made this post, but I have to edit it.
I am a very bad mother.
I have just run the tamagotchi through the washing machine, as it was in the pocket of K9's jeans. Even though I used the gentle cycle, the darn thing is showing no signs of life whatsoever.
K9 is sleeping, and doesn't know it yet. I do not know what he will say when he wakes up. This may be my last post.
I'm gonna go make a will now.
