The Fine Art of Writing a Horoscope
I have this awesome pager that I got from work – the one you get all sorts of what it calls “news/info” – world news, sports news, stock market rates. It would be a really neat device if it didn’t go off in the middle of the night. Anyway, among other things, I get the daily horoscopes on this pager. I read them whenever I can. They are priceless. Just look at today’s. Today is Sunday, right? Watch this.
ARIES: Check the ads in the morning paper for bargains.
(Duh, that’s what the Sunday papers are for)
GEMINI: You receive spiritual inspiration.
(No way! Where do you go to get that?)
VIRGO: Harmonious aspects prevail today.
(And here I was expecting another stressful day in the office)
SCORPIO: You can find big bargains in big stores.
(See Aries for newspaper ads)
This is so good, I’ll just have to look at the rest of the week.
SAGITTARIUS: This day gets off to a good start.
(You get to sleep in)
CAPRICORN: A pleasant and rewarding day is indicated.
(11 AM, you get up…)
AQUARIUS: Your personal life is stimulating.
(… and go back to bed, if you know what I mean)
PISCES: Get out, accept invitations, and socialize.
(Saturday night. ‘Nuff said)
FRIDAY – The Happy Hour!
GEMINI: Unify your mind and muscles to work in harmony.
(Do you have to drink that much at a Happy Hour?)
CANCER: You may regret the social entertainment you have planned.
(Gee, what’s with everybody getting hammered today?)
SCORPIO: Youngsters must pay for their own mistakes now.
(What? The kids have been out drinking, too?)
TUESDAY – Work, work, work.
PISCES – Assume the leadership role.
You see what I mean? Now this is the job I want. Writing horoscopes. Hey, I’ll go ahead and write one for tomorrow right now. Watch me.
THE WORLD’S MOST ACCURATE HOROSCOPE FOR MONDAY, JANUARY 24, 2005
ARIES: Life sucks.
TAURUS: Everything hurts.
GEMINI: Must… have… coffee.
CANCER: Your job gives you ulcer.
ULCER: Uh, never mind.
LEO: Coworkers annoy you and irritate you.
VIRGO: Stay alert and awake during staff meeting.
LIBRA: Avoid interactions with middle management.
SCORPIO: Just in case you’re a kid, you hate school.
SAGITTARIUS: Your teachers are evil.
CAPRICORN: You are tired.
AQUARIUS: You want to go home.
PISCES: Did I say life sucks?
There you have it. Let me know tomorrow if it was true. Let me also know whether you would like to hire me to do this for you every day. Remember, the Indian dudes just don’t know how to write a really good horoscope! Whereas I do!