How To Photograph A Kinky Church Sign
"Mom, are you a BIG Christian?" CB asked me the other day, and quickly added: "I hope not!"
"I get bigger every day," I honestly answered. But I doubt that my son meant my dress size. In fact, I have a pretty good idea what he meant. Many a time have I wished that my more vocal fellow believers would act more, you know... normal.
You know how it feels to have a really weird family member who constantly embarrasses you in front of your friends? Now imagine it's millions of weird, embarrassing family members, and they are always up in everybody's face acting weird. Meantime, the nice and normal family members are sitting quietly in the family room and the world doesn't even know they exist. Awkward, isn't it?
But I digress.
On my way to work every day, I pass this little church whose members seem to have a talent for inappropriate church signs. The one they put up a few days ago, however, was better than any I'd seen from them before. I have to have a picture of this, I said to myself. But how?
So I thought of a plan, and I thought of it fast.
1. Park, then shoot.
My initial plan was simple. On the way home from work, I pull into the church's parking lot, which should be empty, so no harm done. I then get out of my car, walk up to the sign, take a picture, and leave.
I was halfway up to the sign when another car pulled into the empty lot. As I kept walking, the car stopped, the passenger-side window rolled down, and a middle-aged woman leaned out.
"Excuse me, Ma'am? Why are you parked here?"
I looked around - no reserved spots, no handicapped spots. Dozens of empty spaces all around.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, "am I not supposed to be parking here?"
"No you're not."
"Awww sorry, I didn't know," I stuttered as I turned back to the car. I figured I was pretty much busted anyway as far as my picture-taking. But, but, why can't I park in this lot? I'm pretty sure anyone is allowed to park in my church's lot, so what's the deal? Later that evening, I realized that the ladies probably didn't want random people to use their church's lot as free parking. But at that moment, what was going through my head was omg omg i'm not allowed to park in a church, wtf why not, what do they have going on here, oh is it human sacrifices, omg omg this is creepy, i'm scared, need to get outta here LIKE NOW!
"I'll be leaving now," I offered, "I'm lost. I was going to ask for directions." I've always been an above-average liar, having been raised in a strict family and all.
"Visiting naahhhbahhh?"
Visiting WHO?
"Pardon me?"
"Are you visiting naahhhbahhh?"
Ohhh, nearby. "Oh yes, yes I am. I'm leaving now." and I hightailed it out of there at full speed.
2. Park "naahhhbahhh" and shoot.
Long time ago, my buddy George told me: "Goldie, you don't take no for an answer." It's actually worse than George thought. I take "no" as a challenge. "Oh, so you say I cannot do it? Watch me." With that in mind, I turned into the next street, whirled around, and came back to a stop sign.
The street was empty, I pointed my camera out of the window and took a picture. Sadly, it came out pretty pathetic:
3. Early morning shoot (this one worked!)
This was on Tuesday. Yesterday I was home sick. I spent the day in bed, reading my camera manual and taking practice shots of my ceiling fan. Most importantly, I learned how to zoom in.
Today, I skipped my usual workout and breakfast and left for work early. I figured there wouldn't be anyone in church at eight AM. I pulled onto the curb, zoomed in, took a shot, and left.
It worked perfectly. Here it is. I also submitted it to Crummy Church Signs.
I call it "kinky sign". Was it worth it, or what?
"I get bigger every day," I honestly answered. But I doubt that my son meant my dress size. In fact, I have a pretty good idea what he meant. Many a time have I wished that my more vocal fellow believers would act more, you know... normal.
You know how it feels to have a really weird family member who constantly embarrasses you in front of your friends? Now imagine it's millions of weird, embarrassing family members, and they are always up in everybody's face acting weird. Meantime, the nice and normal family members are sitting quietly in the family room and the world doesn't even know they exist. Awkward, isn't it?
But I digress.
On my way to work every day, I pass this little church whose members seem to have a talent for inappropriate church signs. The one they put up a few days ago, however, was better than any I'd seen from them before. I have to have a picture of this, I said to myself. But how?
So I thought of a plan, and I thought of it fast.
1. Park, then shoot.
My initial plan was simple. On the way home from work, I pull into the church's parking lot, which should be empty, so no harm done. I then get out of my car, walk up to the sign, take a picture, and leave.
I was halfway up to the sign when another car pulled into the empty lot. As I kept walking, the car stopped, the passenger-side window rolled down, and a middle-aged woman leaned out.
"Excuse me, Ma'am? Why are you parked here?"
I looked around - no reserved spots, no handicapped spots. Dozens of empty spaces all around.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, "am I not supposed to be parking here?"
"No you're not."
"Awww sorry, I didn't know," I stuttered as I turned back to the car. I figured I was pretty much busted anyway as far as my picture-taking. But, but, why can't I park in this lot? I'm pretty sure anyone is allowed to park in my church's lot, so what's the deal? Later that evening, I realized that the ladies probably didn't want random people to use their church's lot as free parking. But at that moment, what was going through my head was omg omg i'm not allowed to park in a church, wtf why not, what do they have going on here, oh is it human sacrifices, omg omg this is creepy, i'm scared, need to get outta here LIKE NOW!
"I'll be leaving now," I offered, "I'm lost. I was going to ask for directions." I've always been an above-average liar, having been raised in a strict family and all.
"Visiting naahhhbahhh?"
Visiting WHO?
"Pardon me?"
"Are you visiting naahhhbahhh?"
Ohhh, nearby. "Oh yes, yes I am. I'm leaving now." and I hightailed it out of there at full speed.
2. Park "naahhhbahhh" and shoot.
Long time ago, my buddy George told me: "Goldie, you don't take no for an answer." It's actually worse than George thought. I take "no" as a challenge. "Oh, so you say I cannot do it? Watch me." With that in mind, I turned into the next street, whirled around, and came back to a stop sign.
The street was empty, I pointed my camera out of the window and took a picture. Sadly, it came out pretty pathetic:
3. Early morning shoot (this one worked!)
This was on Tuesday. Yesterday I was home sick. I spent the day in bed, reading my camera manual and taking practice shots of my ceiling fan. Most importantly, I learned how to zoom in.
Today, I skipped my usual workout and breakfast and left for work early. I figured there wouldn't be anyone in church at eight AM. I pulled onto the curb, zoomed in, took a shot, and left.
It worked perfectly. Here it is. I also submitted it to Crummy Church Signs.
I call it "kinky sign". Was it worth it, or what?
