Friday, August 22, 2008

How To Solicit Friends And Harrass People

Wow, people are actually reading this stuff now. Thank you, people. This post is inspired by today's Passive Aggressive Notes entry. If you don't read PAN, you should. Most importantly, you should comment. Most commenters on PAN are regulars and the stuff they write is hilarious. Cynical and sarcastic, just the way I like it. I try to get my comments in every morning while sipping on my coffee. This way I get all the snark out of my system early on, so I am not tempted to unleash it on my coworkers during the day. As such, I consider commenting on PAN an important work-related activity. Try it.

Today's PAN is about soliciting, which leads me to share my experience. It consists of two nasty solicitors that I was able to turn away, and one that managed to leave me dumbfounded. Watch and learn.

1. JW and me, naked*

One Saturday morning I was getting out of the shower when our doorbell rang and Mr. Goldie went to answer it. I proceeded to get out of the shower and was putting the lotion on my skin (insert hose joke) when I heard Mr. Goldie saying:

"Our wife handles these questions in our house. She'll be with you shortly."

"Goldie, this is for you!" he yelled up the stairs.

Wearing only a towel, I came out of the shower and saw two women peering at me from downstairs. One was holding a huge Bible.

"We came to talk to you about good and evil," the other one offered. That was when I gave them my now-historic speech. Because there was a flight of stairs between us, I had to yell, probably further intimidating the women.

"Sorry!" I hollered, "I cannot come downstairs, because I am not wearing anything!"

In the dead silence that followed, I went on:

"We already go to a different church, so, if you come back, you'll be wasting your time!"

Our visitors turned around and left. JW:0, Goldie:1.

* - I was the only one naked. Both JW were fully clothed. But it sounds better that way, so I decided not to change it.

2. JW and my conference call.

I was working from home one day and was on the phone with two people from my office, when the dog started barking like crazy and I heard repeated knocking on the door. Now I assumed right away that it was Mr. Goldie's package. You see, he makes all his purchases over the Internet, including things like alcohol that you need to sign for.

"Sorry guys, I'll go sign for a package, it'll take a minute," I said to my coworkers and ran down the stairs, still on the phone.

I opened the door and stared at the two people on my porch for a minute or so, wondering:

1) why aren't they in UPS uniform, and
2) where's my dang package?

Then I noticed one of them holding a huge Bible. Oh, of course.

Quickly holding up my fingers, I explained:

"One, very bad time; two, we go to a different church; thanksbye" - closed the door and returned to my phone meeting. We had to take a break, though, because my coworkers couldn't stop chuckling. JW:0, Goldie:2.

3. Very Hot Guy.

This happened when we still lived in an apartment. Our doorbell rang, and I answered it. I saw a drop-dead gorgeous high-school kid who couldn't have been more than 15 years my junior. Instantly, he had my attention.

"We are gathering signatures," the kid said, "and whoever collects the most gets to go to Europe. Can you help me win?"

Are you kidding? I could help this guy bury a body if he asked me to, just to be able to bask in his hotness while doing it. Yes, I'm shallow. Aren't you?

Mentally undressing the guy, I nodded as he went on:

"Great, thank you so much Ma'am, now see, this is our catalog; these magazines are only twenty dollars. Now on this next page, these are the more expensive ones, these will cost you thirty dollars each..."

"Wait." I regained consciousness. "So you need me to subscribe to these magazines?"

"Yes, Ma'am, just show me the ones you want to get..."

"Uh, no, thanks, no," I told him. "We can't. See, we're saving to buy a house."

"They're just magazines," the kid shrugged. "They are not diamond rings."

Our conversation ended quickly after that. Good looks can only take you this far. Since, on one hand, I didn't give the kid any of my money, but, on the other hand, I almost did, I'll call it a tie so we each get a point. Goldie:3, extremely hot slimeball:1.
Well there you have it. This spring, I got a "No Soliciting" sticker from our city hall, but Mr. Goldie doesn't want to put it up. Probably because I'm so good at scaring away solicitors, he sees no use in it. Yep, that must be the reason.

The Goldie has spoken at 3:38 PM

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