Thursday, June 16, 2005

We Like To Call It “Our European Vacation”

In two days, the Goldie family is leaving for Ukraine.

To visit my in-laws.

Need I say more?

In reality, though, I should not complain. I have terrific in-laws. The ones that I have met are terrific, anyway. Of course, the kids and I haven’t been there since ’96, and, by now, there are two SILs, three nieces and a nephew that we have never met. I worry like crazy about getting along with the SILs and about whether I still remember how to deal with little children.

Although, I’ve just realized I don’t worry about all these things that much anymore. Must be that St. John’s Wort pill I popped in the morning. I’m going to need a lot of that stuff.

We will be on the road for twenty-two hours (yes, I counted). Our final destination is a small town in the middle of nowhere. There will be nine of us in the apartment. It is a large apartment, but still!

I tried to talk Mr. Goldie and his relatives into letting us rent a place to stay, but somehow that didn’t work out.

I am still trying to work out the logistics of “nine people/one bathroom”. I told my kids yesterday that we’re going to have to “shit like the wind”.

This is only one of the instructions we’ve been giving our children during the last few weeks. Somehow, Mr. Goldie is convinced that the kids will embarrass us. Our first commandment to I12 and K9 always goes like this:

“And, whatever you do, don’t swear while you’re there! It is considered very rude. No, you cannot swear in English either, they know these words. No, you absolutely cannot teach English swear words to your cousins.”

And so on, and so on. You get the picture.

I’m trying to look on the bright side. Alas, the bright side escapes me.

I am sure we will manage to have fun one way or another. After all, we won’t be driving! You know what I mean? We’ll be able to really, you know… imbibe. Although, it’s not so easy to really, you know, imbibe when you’re going on forty. Your body fights back like it never did when you were in college.

In all seriousness, I plan on spending a lot of time with I12 and K9. There will be no Internet to stand between us. The kids will be more or less forced to talk to their mother. Right now, I12 will only talk to me when he’s trapped in a moving vehicle. Otherwise, he always finds more important things to do.

I’m sure it will be fun. It was in ’96.

I will be back on July 3rd with plenty of material for new blog posts. Stay tuned. I know the temptation to walk away from this blog is going to be strong during the next two weeks, but, if you do so, you’ll miss out on some fun European vacation stories.

You have been warned.

Take care, and I’ll see you in two weeks.

I will miss you all *sniffle*

The Goldie has spoken at 5:40 PM

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