The Seven Deadly Movie Theater Sins
So, I proudly present...
1) The bubbly.
The bubbly moviegoer has been blessed with the amazing, catching laugh that he or she will bestow upon the public at top volume. Extra bubbly points for laughing in sad or irrelevant places.
2) The social.
This moviegoer has a witty comment for just about any episode of the picture and will eagerly share it with the crowd. The crowd, predictably, does not appreciate it and tells the social to shut up. Yet another example of a genius misunderstood by his contemporaries. Tonight, incidentally, we had a new breed of the social - the singing-along kind. I blame American Idol.
3) The tech-savvy.
Halfway through the movie, a cell phone rings. "Hey, how's it going?... Good, good... I'm in the movies.... No, I can talk..." and so it goes. Bonus points for trying to record the movie on your phone camera.
4) The beautiful.
Naturally, beautiful people possess beautiful feet. Normally, an ordinary person would never get access to a beautiful person's foot, as they are in different leagues miles apart, looks-wise. A movie theater is your unique opportunity to witness a pair of beautiful feet, sans shoes, propped up on the back of a seat next to you, two inches away from your face. Enjoy. Inhale. Don't forget to offer your thanks. Tips are optional.
5) The tall&proud.
No slinking into their seat for the tall&proud. They will sit down perfectly straight right in front of you, because we all know - the movie will still be around on DVD for years to come, but the tall&proud person's new haircut is something you may never get to see again. Screw the movie; observe the hair.
6) The amazing new parents.
What does your infant or toddler prefer - horror, action, or maybe some sexual scenes and explicit language? All of these will work, according to the amazing new parents. Haven't those guys ever heard of Netflix?
7) The hungry.
Munch, munch, munch, slurp, slurp, slurp. Play with the candy wrapper. Munch, munch, munch. Go get a free refill on your soda. Continue as shown above. Ahhh, the smelly, overpriced movie theater food.
I'm going to take a break from the movie theaters for a while. I'll stick to my DVDs until I start seriously missing the above seven groups.